Dancing With Tina: A Memoir of Co-dependency is the true story of Terry Oldes's struggle with sexual identity, co-dependency and Crystal Meth. This very personal and sometimes graphic account traces the diverse relationships impacted by a drug that is horrifically affecting the gay community in both the United States and abroad.
The forthright and humorous manner with which Terry Oldes tell his story will hopefully discourage those who have never used Crystal Meth against the drug and inspire those who are currently using to find hope at a time when it is difficult to see.
We spoke with Terry about what motivated him to put his story down on paper, his aim in writing about such a topical issue, his road to recovery, and the media frenzy surrounding the use of Crystal Meth in the gay community.
Tell us about yourself?
Well, I'm 42 years old, was adopted as an infant in a rural Iowa community in the U.S. , and went to college in New York City to study music and acting. I came out at the age of 21, was a Mr. Gay Iowa, lived in Nashville , TN for a number of years as a singer/songwriter then moved to Chicago in 1994.
"Dancing With Tina" takes place in Oct. 2003-Oct. 2005, a period when I used Crystal Meth and had one of the most intense roller coaster rides of my life. After I walked away from the drug I started writing. By putting my meth adventures down on paper, I knew I could go back to it time and again to remind myself why I needed to stay away from Meth. Two months into the writing my therapist suggested I try to get it published since he thought I could possibly help other gay men with my experiences. By November, 2005, I had a 700 page manuscript, found a publisher within three months, began editing it down to 300 pages…and here we are….
What was the response of loved ones and friends to the writing and release of this book?
My friends were extremely open-minded and supportive. Perhaps they all viewed this as some "phase" but nobody ever judged me amongst my friends. I credit them with helping me walk away from Meth as easily as I did.
My family, however, was another matter. There is really just my father, my brother and myself and I haven't been emotionally close to my family since I was 14. There was plenty of bigotry and close mindedness throughout much of my childhood and from an early age I knew there was nothing wrong with my being gay. My brother and nephew both read my book, to my surprise, and they impressed me with how supportive they were. It wasn't exactly their can of worms, of course, but they were respectful of the piece and said they were proud of what I was trying to accomplish.
My father and I are, unfortunately, estranged. One Christmas Eve I called to wish him a happy holiday and my step-mother said, "He doesn't want to talk to you anymore". While it was certainly a shock, I can't say it was too big of a surprise, and after about a minute of feeling lost it was as if a huge rock had rolled off my back. Drug abuse is never about the drug itself, it's almost always about something deeply emotional and psychological within the user. With me it was co-dependency, which was a product of the abandonment issues I had as a child, coupled with my own natural need to pull away if someone wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be. Although I'm not necessarily happy about the scenario, having a close family just wasn't in the cards for me. This may sound a bit Pollyannaish, but I truly do feel it's a waste of time to cry over what I don't have and that I need to celebrate what I do have, which is actually quite a lot.
Do you think people who have not tried Meth will be able to enjoy the book?
Well, most people who have never experienced drug use have been shocked by the things that occur in the PnP world. (PnP means "Party and Play". "Party" means you do drugs, "Play" means you have sex while you're doing them.) I hope that my use of humor as a tool has helped lessen the shock and made it more palatable for the uninformed reader. In the end, I doubt there is much to "enjoy" in reading about crystal meth to a non-user. It's too scary and foreign a concept to them. I wrote this book to educate, not sensationalize or shock people, so you'd better be open-minded when you read it.
You're writing a fiction book now, what was easier, your own life or a fictional one?
Oh, writing about my own life was much easier. I think non-fiction is so much more interesting than fiction. I've always said I couldn't make up the stuff in DWT if I tried. I also find it fascinating one can turn a tragic situation into a funny one, and vice-versa. It's all how you look at it, and I've been lucky enough to have the chance to analyze my life from many different angles.
In your introduction you apologize several times for the content, was that important to you?
Very much so. It's such a harsh subject and just because a person gets caught in it, doesn't make them a bad person, yet society vilifies many gay men when they hear the details. The last thing I want to be known for is illegal drug abuse and indiscriminate sex, but if it helps other people understand the seriousness of Meth in a more educated way, then it's worth it for me to be open.
My first and biggest fear was "How do I write this without being crass?" My story is not erotica, but one certainly can't discuss the Meth problem in the gay community without sex being a large part of it. I also didn't want to hurt other people with my memoir, meaning the people who were actually characters in the book.
What criticism have you received from the community?
While I at first wondered if I might be vilified for writing about such a serious thing, especially when it involved me, that has not been the case at all. Almost everyone has been very supportive. Some reviewers have felt I don't get into the deep natures of addiction, but that wasn't the point of the book. There are other books out there for that and written by far more educated people than I. I wrote DWT in the first 6 months of my recovery, so it was only intended to be a description of the crystal meth world, not an explanation of it. Hell, I wasn't even sure then what had happened, that's why I wrote it. To understand what happened by reviewing it down the line.
Some reviewers, (who had not tried meth, by the way), were shocked by the sexual content and accused me of airing "dirty linen", but I'm a firm believer the truth is the truth and until we face all the unpleasant details, we can't understand a problem, let alone try to solve it.
One reviewer actually stated he did not think I was addicted, and it's really irrelevant whether I was or not, given that my goal was to help other people. Since I don't believe in wasting energy placing labels on myself I refuse to do so. If you look at my behavior in certain clinical ways, yes, I was definitely addicted. If you analyze the way I walked out, or the way I feel about my recovery now, perhaps not. That's up to the reader to decide. Either way, readers will bring their own personal experiences into this story and react accordingly.
Have you had the opportunity to speak to people who have thanked you for writing the book and told you it helped them?
Yes, and that has been the most fulfilling part of all this. One man emailed me and said I had written "his" story and that I'd done what he'd always wanted to do. 3 other people all told me that within the first 100 pages of the book, "You make me want to do Meth…" but after they reached that 100th page they all said, "There is no way I want to try it." To me, that's a compliment since it means I conveyed what I was really feeling at the time I was doing it. Meth sneaks up on you like cheese on a mousetrap and when that trap snaps shut it does so unexpectedly and completely.
There was also the sister of one of the characters in this book, and she reached out to me via a third party asking for help. After reading DWT it gave her a clearer understanding of what her brother was going through and she was asked about possible resources to help him.
Probably the greatest moment for me is that my friend Eric was approached by a man during a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting. (Eric is one of the major characters in DWT). The man said, "I've just finished a book you were in." Eric, who has been clean for 2 years now, is very honest and responded, "Yes, that was me…." The man turned out to be a former meth user who was now a counselor at a local rehab facility which specialized in gay men addicted to meth. He said DWT was, at times, a "trigger" for him and that he occasionally had to put it down, but that it was a very realistic take on what happens in the gay community. He recommended it to all the other counselors, especially those who were heterosexual women, since they needed a better understanding of gay men's desires and realities. That, in itself, was better than any book sales could ever be.
Do you think the Meth problem is getting better or worse?
I am by nature an optimist, although you may not think so when you read some of my odd emotional reactions in DWT. Personally, I think the meth situation is getting better because I've been told CMA meetings in the U.S. have increased in attendance, people are becoming more educated and perhaps making wiser decisions, and meth is being handled by rehab clinics as a very different drug than say, cocaine and/or heroin. This wasn't the case when I was doing it, and it wasn't that long ago. However, because I am no longer part of the PnP world, I don't see on a first hand basis what is really going on. That said, even when I was doing meth, I was viewing a sub-culture of the community and when that is all you encounter, your viewpoint is going to be a bit skewed.
I don't think the meth problem will ever be completely eradicated, but I certainly think positive strides are being made. Alcohol is a far more common problem in the gay community than Meth, but are we going to eliminate that? I think not, but we can at least help those caught up in such scenarios with compassionate understanding.
How do you think Australian gay men will be able to relate to the book?
People are people and it doesn't matter if it's Australia , the U.S. , Europe … wherever. Gay men in a club culture are all going to go through similar scenarios, so even though DWT is about the Chicago community, I believe any gay man can relate to parts of it. We all laugh, cry and have our own strengths and weaknesses. Meth is a worldwide problem, not just regional.
Do you miss your old life?
No, I don't. So much water has gone under the bridge and my life is very settled. Why the hell would I want to live in the twilight zone? There is that sexual fantasy element which Meth makes a reality, but there is a lot more to life than sex. It's important, but it isn't everything, and even the constant sex can affect your perspective. I don't miss those days or the unnecessary drama at all.
What are you hopes and aspirations for the future?
Well, I certainly do love to write. It combines therapy and entertaining/educating people all in one shot. The biggest compliment I've ever received is that people can sometimes relate to me. That, combined with helping other people, tells me I'd like to continue writing. I finished my 2nd book a few months ago ("A Barrel Full of Monkeys – OR – More Baggage Than Ann Miller Brought On the Love Boat") and am now on my 3rd. I never thought of myself as a writer, I'm a good conversationalist, but if it hadn't been for my desire to relive my drug use on paper, I never would have discovered how much I love to write.
Regarding writing, I would say if you want to write, it's definitely up to you to believe in yourself. Nobody else is going to push you. It's your job to break down as many doors as possible. Keep in mind everyone will have an opinion but you've got to hold onto your own self-esteem despite those opinions. The tough part about being an artist (and it was the same when I was an actor and a singer), is you have to be open enough to share your emotions and touch people, yet tough enough to let criticism and slamming doors roll off you. That's probably the worst part of publishing. It's a business, not some group of people waiting for you to change the world.
On the Meth situation in the gay community, this is not an epidemic so don't join the media frenzy and think gay culture is going to crumble due to Meth use. We are getting through the AIDS crisis, and we can get through this. Just realize it's very serious for those who are caught in the vortex and we, as a community, need to support them. It could be you someday, a lover or a best friend. We all need to show compassionate understanding regarding this issue. The other thing is a simple one. Nobody has to be hopeless. There can always be hope.
1 comments:
nicely done terry
very nicely done.
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